Tenfold

Healing is far from linear.

At the beginning of my journey, I was sure of my progress. Only to run full speed ahead into a brick wall.

I was hurt, and the pain was far deeper than I’d initially presumed. Days turned into weeks, and I’d sulk, tormented by feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and betrayal.

For the life of me, I couldn’t grasp how someone that “loved me,” could inflict such calculated pain. I yearned for clarity and solace, but remained trapped in the blissful illusions that were created.

Then, one night, I distinctly remember sitting in the bathroom, and arriving at a singular thought. “You never loved me.”

It was a tough pill to swallow, but one that I could rationalize. The illusion of love was both conflicting and confusing. But the realization that there was no love made perfect sense. I didn’t understand how love and deception, love and betrayal, or love and callousness could coexist. Until I understood… There was no love.

From there, my -pain turned to anger. My hurt morphed into a deep loathing, and I no longer thought fondly of the past. I reflected on every offense and concluded that I was missing nothing. I lacked nothing, but that I deserved so much more. More than I was ever shown, more than I was left with, and more out of life and love.

And as for them, I wished them my pain, tenfold.